I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
