I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
