the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Pants are for mortals
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
