you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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