is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
