When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This baby is an asshole
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
