She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
