My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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