First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
