oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
