The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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