The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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