ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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