i think my tv is drunk
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
