you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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