i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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