not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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