You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
love makes seman taste better
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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