I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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