Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
