My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
