Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
