Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
