Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
