I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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