I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
