did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
