Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
