Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize