My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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