this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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