I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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