This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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