my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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