I wish I could teleport
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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