Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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