dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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