hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He passed out mid-signature
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I party with great urgency now.
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