I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
