Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
