my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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