I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize