i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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