So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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