Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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