Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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