theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have feelings that need drinking.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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