i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
