apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
