There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
