I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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