absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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