I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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