just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
