We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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