I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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