take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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