you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
