Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
