Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
