im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
