You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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