This is not my ceiling
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
