Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I came so hard my ears popped.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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