two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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