don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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