I think im going to throw up on grandma
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
