You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
