my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
