Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
its not stalking. its research.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
