i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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