Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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