I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
