I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize