Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
