It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
